Park Bench
by AlyxxTheGreat
Summary: Antonio meets a rude, grumpy man on a park bench and somehow falls for him. Now his only mission is to get him to laugh. Is that even possible? Spamano
1. Chapter 1

I strolled along the sidewalk with a backpack on my shoulders, whistling a cheerful tune. It was a beautiful spring morning, complete with birds chirping, sun shining and a soft breeze ruffling my already messy brown hair. A cheerful grin was set on my face. Nothing could dampen my spirits today.

I reached the neighborhood park and found my way to the duck pond. The benches around the pond were full of people feeding the ducks, so I made my way to the least crowded one. The only person sitting at it was a brown haired man about my age, perhaps a bit younger. He was staring off into the distance, obviously deep in thought. A scowl dug into his features, making me wonder what he had to be angry about. _He'd probably be handsome without that frown_, I thought. I plopped down on the other end of the bench and opened up my backpack, producing a ripe tomato.

"No," muttered the man next to me. I paused, the smile leaving my face for a moment. Did he say something, or did I imagine it? I shrugged it off and sank my teeth into the tomato, humming contentedly. I closed my eyes and relished the sweet taste, but was interrupted from my thoughts when-

"NO."

"Excuse me, sir, are you talking to me?"

"Get off my bench."

"It's not technically your bench..."

"GO AWAY."

I ignored him. It was the only bench left; I shouldn't have to leave. I took another bite of tomato and watched the ducks peacefully, until-

"Didn't you hear me? I said FUCK OFF."

"Actually, you said 'go away.'"

"It doesn't matter! Just get off my bench, you- you-" He looked me up and down, searching for something to make fun of.

"Tomato bastard!" he finally exclaimed. I chuckled. Such a childish insult.

"Don't laugh at me, bastard!" he growled, his cheeks turning as red as the tomato in my hand. He stared off into the distance once again. I reached over to the backpack next to me and fished another tomato out of it, offering it to the man next to me.

"Do you want a tomato?"

"No." He then reached over and took it out of my hand.

"I thought you didn't want it."

"I don't."

"Then why...?"

"SHUT UP, TOMATO BASTARD."

I held back another chuckle as the man took a bite of tomato, still glaring angrily at the horizon. We sat in silence for a while until my chatty nature took over. I couldn't go without talking for too long, or else I'd probably explode. I'd never tried it, that's just what I assume.

"My name's Antonio. What's yours?"

"Don't talk to me."

"Nice to meet you, Don't Talk To Me."

"That's not funny."

"I thought it was."

"Nobody asked you."

I frowned for a moment. No one had ever spoken to me like that. I was always friendly to others, so they were usually kind to me. But this guy? Not so much. I was determined to make him like me, though.

"So, Don't Talk To Me, what do you do for a living?"

"I think I hate you."

"That's nice."

"Yep, I definitely hate you."

"Good for you."

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."

"Hmm... I think I'll call you DTTM for short." The brunet turned bright red, his scowl deepening even further. He looked kinda cute, all angry like that.

"You shouldn't frown so much. You'll get wrinkles," I tried. I was well aware that DTTM would just get more angry, but it was fun to see him like that.

"Does it look like I give a shit?"

"You also shouldn't swear so much. You'll probably die sooner."

"Shut UP, tomato bastard!" His face was an even brighter shade of red. I chuckled a bit.

"Stop. Laughing," DTTM growled murderously. I simply laughed harder. Suddenly, he reached out towards me as quick as a flash and shoved a half-eaten tomato in my face. I blinked dazedly, staring in shock at the crimson fruit/vegetable adorning my face. Neither of us spoke for a bit, until DTTM burst out laughing. LAUGHING. Mr. Frowny Pants, LAUGHING until he cried.

"You... you look like... Rudolph," gasped DTTM between giggles. I gawked for a bit, then began to laugh along with him. I bet I did, with the tomato hanging off of my nose and all. I removed it from my face and looked over at him. He looked absolutely ADORABLE when he laughed like that. His smile showed off perfect teeth, and his cheeks were tinted pale pink.

"You have a nice laugh. You should do it more often," I declared. But just like that, his usual scowl was back.

"What? Did I say something wrong?"

"My name's Lovino, so you won't keep calling me DTTM. Lovino Vargas," he mumbled.

"Alright, Lovino. I think I'll make it my new mission to make you laugh," I announced with a grin. He simply deepened his frown and refused to meet my eyes. "Well, goodbye, Mr. Vargas. Enjoy the rest of your tomato." I wiped tomato juice off of my face and offered him the smushed fruit. Or was it a vegetable?

He refused to take the tomato, simply glaring off into the distance. In return, I squished it onto his nose and began to walk away, backpack in tow. Lovino gaped at me like a goldfish, opening and closing his mouth several times. But just when he thought I was out of earshot, I heard his melodic laughter growing more distant as I strolled further away.

_This Lovino is quite an interesting man_, I thought. _I hope to see him again. _

**A/N: Hope y'all like this story, please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

It was several weeks before I met Lovino Vargas again. Even though it was May, the sun had decided that it was July and beat down harshly on the people at the park. I was making my way over to the duck pond with a large tomato in the pocket of my cargo shorts, whistling loudly. I could make out Lovino's form seated on a park bench, easily recognizable by the unruly curl spiraling from his hair.

"Lovino! Long time no see!" I called, then cursed myself, because chances are he probably wouldn't remember me. He turned around in surprise, scowling as usual. I flashed him a grin in return.

"Oh, it's the tomato bastard," he sighed. I walked a bit faster to meet him, then took notice of his shorts. They were pretty tiny for a dude, showing off quite a bit of his thighs. _Hot damn_, I thought, then mentally slapped myself. He had some seriously nice legs. I realized I was blushing, so I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head to try to rid my face of any redness.

Lovino cocked his head, his deep scowl lightening to a confused frown.

"What's up with you?" he asked in a somewhat accusatory manner.

"N-nothing, nothing at all," I assured him with a sheepish smile, awkwardly scratching the back of my neck. I plopped down on the bench, hastily removed the tomato from my pocket and offered it to him. "Uh, here, you can have this. I only brought one today though."

"Do you always shower random guys with tomatoes?" Lovino questioned suspiciously, not accepting my gift.

"Only the cute ones," I replied cheerfully, and automatically wished I hadn't. A look of surprise flashed across his face before he reached out and punched me in the jaw. I fell off the edge of the bench onto the grass below, clutching my rapidly swelling face.

"I deserved that, didn't I?"

"Yep."

We sat in silence for a bit until I realized that I had been clenching my fists- with the tomato still in it. Juice was running down my right wrist, which I was quick to lick up. My hand now contained a slimy, pulpy mess of fregetable.

"Crap," I moaned, flinging the tomato remnants onto the grass. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a tiny smirk cross Lovino's lips. As usual, it was absolutely adorable. He was so freaking perfect and he didn't even know it. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head.

"If you want any tomato, I guess this is all you get," I stated, offering my dripping hand to Lovino.

"If you think I'm licking your dirty hand, think again. I'd rather eat off the ground," griped the brunet.

"Go ahead then," I quipped.

"I was just kidding, dumbass."

"I know." I then proceeded to lick the tomato juice off of my hand, slowly as to not miss a drop. Lovino's cheeks reddened slightly as he found sudden interest in his sneakers. I chuckled a bit.

"Shut up!" he blurted, glaring angrily at me as he blushed even more. This only added to my amusement, which only added to Lovino's anger. He lunged towards me with a yelp, his hands finding my shoulders as we both tumbled off the bench. I landed hard on my back; Lovi landed on top of me. He struggled to get up, but I grabbed him by the wrists and flipped him onto his back. I smirked.

"Beat you at your own game, sí?"

"Sh-shut up, bastard," Lovino wheezed, his face now as red as a ripe tomato. I adjusted myself to sit comfortably on his stomach and watched him struggle under my weight.

"Get the fuck off of me!"

I ignored him and reached for that strange curl in his hair.

"What's with this weird curl thing?" I pondered, giving it a tug.

"Stop-ah-nghh!" Lovino whimpered softly. He stopped wriggling and seemed to calm down for a bit. I wrapped the hair around my finger and gently tweaked it a few times. He struggled weakly for a bit but eventually gave in, letting me have my way.

"Bastard-ahh-chigi..." he gasped with every tug. I grinned wider. I loved seeing him look so submissive. My mind automatically wandered to strange places, causing me to instantly turn red and leap away from Lovino, right back onto the park bench.

"You idiot! Why would you touch me there, asshole?" he accused. I stared at him, taken aback.

"What? What's wrong with that? It's just hair."

"It's not 'just hair,' it's... Ugh you fucking bastard it's an erogenous zone!" Lovino confessed angrily. I simply looked on in shock at the blushing, scowling Italian still sprawled on the grass. Then, my cheerfulness took over again and I was literally rolling on the floor laughing.

"I've... I've been trying so hard to seduce you and it was right there the whole time!" I gasped, my body wracked with loud guffaws.

"You were trying to SEDUCE me?!" screeched Lovino. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

I couldn't answer due to my inability to stop giggling like an idiot. When I finally calmed down, I sat up to address him properly.

"What can I say? In those shorts, you're some serious eye candy," I joked. Unfortunately, Lovino didn't think it was a very funny joke. Therefore, for the third time that day, he attacked me, this time with a swift blow to the gut and a bitch-slap to the face.

"Yeah, I definitely deserved that one," I muttered after catching my breath. I stood up in shame and turned to leave, but stopped in my tracks at the wonderful sound of Lovino's laughter. I spun around to face him.

"What?"

"You...your ass..." he breathed between snickers. A bit confused, my hands flew to my rear end and were instantaneously met with wet tomato sludge. This subsequently caused me to facepalm, which only smeared the juice all over my forehead. Lovino laughed even harder now, the amazing, melodic sound only broken by his gasps for air. I flushed and chuckled sheepishly, clasping my hands behind my back because I wasn't really sure what to do with them at the moment.

"Yeah... I think I'll be leaving..." I mumbled awkwardly.

"Wait...no, don't go. I gotta get a picture of this," Lovino choked out, fishing in the pocket of those amazing shorts to produce a flip phone.

"Gah- no! Stop!" I cried, starting towards him to take the phone. I heard the noise of a camera clicking and knew I was too late.

"Hah. New wallpaper right there," he smirked. I set my face in a pretend pout.

"Why do you only laugh when I do stupid things?" I whined.

"Because it's... C-c-gah, I can't say it!" Lovino blurted, suddenly flustered.

"It's what?" I pressed, kneeling down to face him properly.

"C-cu-ugh! Stop pressuring me!" exclaimed a blushing Lovino, refusing to meet my eyes.

"Oh, you think I'm cute, huh?" I purred, leaning in toward him.

"F-fuck off, tomato bastard! We've met, like, twice! You have no right to-to-"

"To what?" I asked, leaning so close our noses nearly touched. A split second later, Lovino's fist met my nose. I knew it was coming, but it was worth it. I recovered quickly, standing up and brushing myself off.

"Well, I hope to meet you again, mí tomate," I announced cheerfully. "I'd like to have your number, if you don't mind."

"Dipshit. You really think I'd give my number to a stranger that just sexually harassed me?" he scoffed.

"A CUTE stranger that just sexually harassed you," I corrected. Lovi just rolled his eyes. "I'll take that as a no. Well, see you later!"

"See you never, tomato bastard."

Things seemed to be going well.

**A/N: Wow! A quick update! The authoress deserves cookies for this one. Okay, what's up with tomatoes? Is it a fruit or a vegetable? Therefore I have coined the term "fregetable." Until next time!**


	3. Chapter 3

Fate had declared that mine and Lovino's meetings would be less frequent than I would've preferred. It was an entire month before we crossed paths again at the same park. At ten o'clock on a cool summer night, I decided to visit the ducks and feed them some bread. As I made my way to the benches, lo and behold, there was Lovino Vargas, curl and all. A devious thought entered my mind, and I decided to try to scare the crap out of him.

I removed the backpack containing the bread for the ducks and crouched down stealthily. I then proceeded to creep slowly over to the bench Lovi was sitting at. But for some reason, right when I was about to scare him from behind, he turned around to look me in the eye.

"Hello, tomato bastard."

"Ah! Crap! How did you know I was there?!" I yelped, falling backwards in surprise.

"I have ears, you idiot. You're as loud as a bulldozer," Lovino answered coolly. I pouted and looked away. My plan had totally backfired.

"So, ah... How's it going?" I asked awkwardly.

"Why do you care? Are you still trying to 'seduce' me? If you are, it's totally not working," he snarled threateningly. I flinched a little.

"Wow, geez. Can't I just talk to you?"

"Uh... S-so-srrhhehhh..." he muttered, so quietly I could barely make it out.

"Huh?"

"SORRY, OKAY?!"

"You suck at apologies."

"Shut up, bastard."

"That's not my name."

"Well then what is it?"

I cocked an eyebrow, checking to see if I heard him correctly.

"It's Antonio. I told you that when we first met," I informed him.

"Well how do you expect me to remember? That was almost two months ago!" Lovino snapped. "So, uh, Antonio. Nice to meet you, I guess," he grumbled, a bit softer now. I grinned and sat down next to him.

"Nice to meet you, too. What say we go for coffee sometime in the future, Lovino?"

"No."

"You know, I have this feeling that you secretly like me, but you're too scared to admit it," I prodded, eyebrows raised.

"You shouldn't trust feelings."

"Ah, but you never said you didn't."

"Fine! Fine, I- I... I don't hate you," Lovino admitted quietly.

"Good enough for me! Now how about that coffee offer? Has your answer changed?" I queried.

"Nope."

I frowned and bit my lip, searching for ideas, but none came to me.

"Well, it doesn't have to be coffee. We could, um... go to a restaurant? Or an amusement park..." I offered.

"You try too hard," scoffed Lovi.

"It's not my fault I like you so much!" I defended, raising my hands in surrender. "Why won't you just give me a chance?"

His scowl slowly softened into a pondering look.

"Fine. Anytime in the future, just go to eat at Il Cane Pigro at 7," he offered gruffly.

"And how do I know you'll be there?"

"Just trust me," Lovi sighed.

"That's not very easy."

"You'll just have to try." The scowl was back on his face in an instant, just as a smile crept onto mine. I whipped out my phone and set a reminder to go to Il Cane Pigro as soon as possible.

"Hey, you know what?" I asked brightly.

"What..."

"You haven't attacked me yet. That's a start."

"And you haven't sexually harassed me yet."

"Maybe we could actually get along!"

"Don't get your hopes up."

"That's the spirit!"

Lovino just rolled his eyes as I chuckled. We sat in a comfortable silence until I noticed the way he was clutching his arms. Although it was June, the nights could get a bit chilly, and he didn't have a jacket.

"You cold?"

"N-no," Lovino lied, scowling even deeper. I unzipped my hoodie and offered it to him. He wouldn't accept it, so I tossed it on his head.

"Stop that, you stupid bastard!" he fumed, casting the jacket to the ground. In the dim light I noticed he was blushing a bit. He looked so damn irresistible with his dark hair falling slightly in his eyes. I realized he was still shivering, so I scooted closer and wrapped my arm around him.

"Better?"

"Shut up."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"You have really bad instincts."

"You have really bad breath."

"Wow, real mature." Although still as stubborn as a donkey, Lovino laid his head down on my shoulder reluctantly. I grinned, he scowled. I could get used to this.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, a tiny smile found its way onto his lips. The weight on my shoulder grew heavy as he drifted off. I saw this as a great opportunity to take his phone out of his pocket and find his number. I added the digits to my phone, typing it in under the name "Lovino 3."

"Wake up," I ordered.

"No. You're comfy," Lovi whined.

"I need to get home," I protested. Suddenly, Lovino seemed to snap out of his grogginess, and he flung himself off of me and all but ran away. I laughed a bit before standing up and stretching, bending over to pick up my fallen hoodie.

"Bye, Lovi," I shouted after him.

"Don't call me that!" he screeched in reply. I smiled and began to send him a text message.

Hi, Lovino! -Antonio

How the fuck did u get my # u creepy pervert bastard?! -Lovino

I have my ways ;) -Antonio

Dont ever txt me AGAIN -Lovino

Ok -Antonio

YOU TXTD ME AGAIN -Lovino

I didnt think tht counted -Antonio

Well it did and so did that! -Lovino

I rolled my eyes and shoved my phone back in my pocket. If he didn't want to talk, that was fine. But as I strolled back home, I felt my phone vibrate. I looked at the screen and saw two words displayed on it:

Hello? -Lovino

I laughed softly at his stubbornness. As much as he pretended not to like me, I could tell he secretly enjoyed my company. I pondered a reply before finally saying:

See u Il Cane Pigro tomorrow -Antonio

**A/N: Another daily update? Feel free to shower the lovely authoress with Almond Joys and burritos! Ah, how I love winter vacation :) By the way, Il Cane Pigro means The Lazy Dog. I hope. Google Translate isn't very reliable... Until next time!**


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, I practically crapped myself in anticipation for the following evening. Work was unbearable. I owned a mostly local tomato business, Carriedo's Tomatoes. We supplied a lot of restaurants in the area. It could be stressful, and I didn't have the energy to really try. I was supposed to sit at my desk all day and make some important calls, but I ended up mostly spinning around rapidly in my awesome spinny chair, thinking about Lovino. I was interrupted from my thoughts when someone knocked on my door.

"Mr. Carriedo, may I come in?" asked an unfamiliar female voice.

"Open up, bro!" yelled an all-too familiar voice. I rolled my eyes.

"Come in, come in," I sighed. My two best friends, Gilbert and Francis, practically tumbled through the door. "You know, I must say, you have a fantastic girl voice, Franny."

"Don't you dare call me that!" Francis exclaimed indignantly. Gilbert and I chuckled.

"What do you two want anyways?" I asked. They were interrupting my "work."

"Why didn't you tell us?" demanded Gilbert, leaning onto my desk. I cocked my head to the side in confusion.

"Tell you about what?"

"About your new lover, of course!" crooned Francis, wiggling his eyebrows. I rolled my eyes.

"We haven't even gone on a proper date yet! And his name is Lovino," I informed them.

"Whatever, man. Give us details!" ordered Gilbert.

"Get out of my office!"

"But we only wish to know more about this Lovino person!" whined Francis.

"Fine. He's rude, grumpy, and adorable, and we're going out to eat tonight! Now LEAVE!" Francis and Gil pouted, but reluctantly slunk out of my office.

"Best of luck to you and your boyfriend!" Francis called. "Your secretary's hot!" Gilbert shouted. I didn't care to point out that Lovino was NOT my boyfriend. Yet.

With an exaggerated sigh, I fiddled around on my computer for a bit, deleting junk mail. The office phone started to ring. I answered it and heard the voice of my secretary, Elizaveta, on the other end.

"Mr. Carriedo, a representative from the restaurant Il Cane Pigro wishes to speak to you. I have a feeling they'll just complain more. Good luck," she said with a sigh.

"Ugh. More pointless complaints?"

"I know, I know. They're annoying, but you have to endure it." She paused for a second, then added, "Oh, and Antonio? Please get Gilbert to quit hitting on me."

"Okay, Liz," I replied with a chuckle. I heard a click, and the call was transferred to a cheerful-sounding Italian man.

"I'm sorry to inconvenience you, but my tomato shipments have been arriving a day late each time," the man told me.

I frowned in confusion. The file on my computer said the scheduled date for them to receive their tomatoes was yesterday, and it also said the truck arrived on time.

"Sir, I think you must be mistaken. You work at Il Cane Pigro, correct?"

"Yes, I'm the manager."

"Alright, did you receive tomatoes yesterday?"

"Yes, but I should've gotten them the day before, right?"

"Our records say they arrived on time, sir."

"Really? I- Excuse me, I'm going to transfer you to someone else." I heard some shuffling and background noise, and then there was an extremely angry Italian screaming into the phone.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH BRINGING OUR TOMATOES A WHOLE DAY LATE?! THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL ROTTEN BY THEN, ALL OF THEM!" I cringed, holding the phone away from my ear.

"Sir, I just-"

"I'M NOT DONE YET. IF OUR CUSTOMERS AREN'T HAPPY, THE WHOLE PLACE GETS SHUT DOWN! WE'RE NOT A BIG RESTAURANT, YOU KNOW!"

I heard the voice of the man from earlier trying to take the phone from the angry one. I bit my lip to hold back laughter. I could faintly hear some of the conversation.

"Give me the-"

"NO."

"You're being-"

"I'M NOT DONE YET."

"Please just-"

A loud clatter followed, along with swearing and static.

"LOVINO-"

"Sorry, Grandpa, I-"

"Just leave."

Did he say Lovino? Either he worked there or it was a very strange coincidence.

"I'm sorry about that, my grandson has quite a temper," apologized the man sheepishly. "I understand now that we made a mistake. Sorry for wasting your time." Another Lovino with a bad temper? That had to be a HUGE coincidence.

"It's alright, sir. I happen to have plans for dinner at your restaurant tonight. I hope you'll use my tomatoes well," I replied with a grin.

"I hope you enjoy our food! Have a nice day."

"You too, goodbye!"

I hung up the phone and leaned back in my spinny chair. Now I really couldn't wait for 7 o'clock.

*tiiiiime-SKIP*

After hours of obsessively checking my watch, the numbers finally read 6:45. I leapt out of my chair and literally ran for the door, flinging it open in haste. I waved goodbye to my secretary as I bolted for the elevator. Elizaveta didn't even bat an eyelash at my erratic behavior. This kind of thing was normal with me.

After the longest elevator ride in my life, I flung myself into my Jeep for the longest car ride of my life, and finally tumbled out at the front of Il Cane Pigro.

It was a cute little restaurant, with shaded tables for outdoor eating. The outside was decorated with lights, and cheerful Italian music was playing. I pushed through the glass doors and was greeted with the smell of good food. A smiling waitress led me to a table, where I was forced to wait even longer for Lovino to show up. If he worked here, how could he meet me?

I ordered a glass of white wine and some alfredo fettuccine, drumming my fingers on the table in anticipation. _He said 7. We agreed on 7. It's past 7,_ I thought obsessively. _Okay, Antonio. Calm down. He'll get here._

When my food arrived, I played with my pasta absentmindedly until it got cold. _This is getting ridiculous_, I thought irritatedly. Eventually I decided to quit waiting for him and eat. _I've been stood_ up, I realized. _Lovi never showed_.

"Are you done with your food, sir?" inquired my waitress.

"Yeah," I mumbled glumly with my head in my hands. I paid the bill and left for the bar, deciding to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I plopped down on a barstool and began to order, not even bothering to raise my head.

"I'll have a- hey! Where have YOU been?!" I demanded. Standing on the other side of the bar was none other than Lovino Vargas.

"Here. Been here since four," he replied nonchalantly.

"Why weren't you at dinner?"

"I never said I'd be there. I just told you to be there."

"Then how did you know I'd find you?" I asked incredulously.

"Easy. I knew you'd probably get all worked up about me standing you up and go cry over me at the bar," Lovi explained as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"You manipulative little buttface!" I exclaimed indignantly.

"Wow. Even when you're angry you won't swear."

I couldn't find anything to say, so I just glared at him for a few moments. Lovino smirked triumphantly.

"Are you gonna get a drink or what?" he demanded.

"Fine, I'll have a beer," I grumbled.

"Ugh, you're so boring. I'll make you something you'll like better." He proceeded to grab several bottles of colorful liquid and expertly poured them into a shaker. I watched Lovino's deft hands mix my hopefully delicious drink, pour it into a margarita glass and stick in a little pink umbrella. It was bright purple on top, then faded through every color of the rainbow, finally ending in pink at the bottom.

"You sure this isn't radioactive?" I asked cautiously. I got an eye roll in reply. I sipped the odd looking drink tentatively, and my tongue nearly exploded with flavor. I could barely even taste the alcohol. It seemed more like a slushy.

"Is this- kiwi? No, it's watermelon- or is it- ooh, that's coconut!" I babbled aimlessly. "What is this?!"

"I call it the Vargas Rainbow," Lovino replied. "It's a little bit of everything."

"Seems a little... gay."

"Look who's talking."

I grinned and downed the rest of my drink. "I like it. Another!" Lovino sighed and mixed me another rainbow drink. I could get used to this.

*tiiiiime-SKIP*

Five Vargas Rainbows later, Lovino had bunny ears. No, seriously, there were two floppy bunny ears coming out of his head.

"Hey, Antonio, we're closing in 15 minutes. You gotta get out of here," Lovino said in a voice much more high-pitched than usual.

"Lovi, your ears are so cuuuute!" I giggled.

"Um... Thank... you?"

"Hey, you didn't get mad at me! Yay!"

"Why would I be mad? You complimented me," he replied. I watched as he rubbed out the inside of some glasses with a rag. His hand was a blur, moving at an inhuman speed.

"Well, usually you get all mad and attack me."

"Dumbass. That's just cause I'm embarrassed and I don't know what to do," Lovino scoffed.

"Why are you telling me this?" I wondered briefly, watching a purple butterfly flitter around the restaurant.

"Because you're drunk and won't remember any of this tomorrow."

"Ah, that's right." I mulled this over in my muddled brain. It still didn't make sense. Suddenly, my mind disconnected from my mouth and random words began to roll off of my tongue. "You know, since I won't... remmmmehmmmbrrererrr. Remember. That. Yeah. You could kiss me right now. And I wouldn't... remememeh," I suggested. I was pretty sure Lovi was laughing.

"You're getting ahead of yourself, Toni," he... Said? Asked? Demanded? I didn't even know. Suddenly I felt something warm on my face. I reached out to shove it away and realized it was another person.

"Bastard! I thought you wanted to kiss me!" Lovi exclaimed.

"But I do," I mumbled confusedly. Then it hit me. "Oh."

"Idiot."

"Do I get anotherother chance?"

"Nope."

"Oh."

We were silent for a few more moments. I stared at Lovino. It looked like he was smiling at me, but it could be a frown. His features looked like someone swirled them around in a blender. My stomach suddenly felt the same way.

"I think I'm gonna... Gonna..."

Lovino quickly held out something for me to vomit into. Vargas Rainbows tasted a lot better going in than out, I can tell you that.

"What's your address?" Lovino asked. His voice sounded like it was in front of a fan.

"Number four, Privet Drive," I replied calmly.

"That's not your address."

"Um... I think it's on... A street. Named after some... Prrrrresident. Yeah."

"And the house number?"

"26868686868..."

"So, 268 Washington St?"

"Yeah!" I shouted with a grin. I threw my head back and closed my eyes, grinning. No reason, really. It just felt nice. I then had the sudden feeling of falling, and the last thing I could remember was a pair of arms wrapping around my midsection.

**A/N: Ugh, these updates are gonna kill me. Oh well. Hope you enjoyed Drunk Toni! Until next time**.


	5. Chapter 5

When I woke up, my head felt like it was in a washing machine. I was really hungry, but when I tried to get out of bed, the headache only got worse. I racked my aching brain to remember what happened last night, and was met only with memories of rainbows. I hate rainbows, I thought immediately. Rolling over onto my stomach, I grabbed my phone off of the nightstand and sent a text to Lovino.

_What happened last night? -A_

A few minutes passed until he replied.

_U got rlly drunk -L_

_Well yea but what else? -A_

_Nothing. Thats it. -L_

_U sure? -A_

_Of course im sure dumbass -Lovino_

_Then y do I suddenly h8 rainbows? -A_

_Haha. Thts funny. -L_

_What?! -A_

_Nothing. Absolutely nothing. -L_

_...ok... Well when can we meet again? -A_

_Idk whenevers good 4 u -L_

_Next fri disneyland? -A_

_Ur kidding rite those tix r so expensive -L_

_I'll pay -A_

_No -L_

_Fine -L_

_Success! -A_

_Shut up -L_

I grinned and set my phone down again. Disneyland was the happiest place on earth. It was impossible to be angry there.

*tiiiiime-SKIP*

I was very, very wrong about that.

"Why are all the lines so fucking long?" demanded Lovino.

"Lovi, don't swear like that. There's kids here," I scolded.

"The hell if I care about those snotty-nosed little brats! They're gonna get me sick!" he griped.

"Lovino!"

"Well, it's true."

"That doesn't mean you have to say it."

We had been waiting in line for Space Mountain for the past half hour. The queue was riddled with screaming children, fat slobs spilling food everywhere, and couples spontaneously engaging in make-out sessions. Lovi's complaints only made everything worse. We could hardly have a normal conversation without him whining.

"We'll be on the ride soon enough," I reassured. That was a lie. The sign at the front had indicated a 2 hour wait. I began to ponder ways to keep Lovino entertained.

"So, what's it like working as a bartender?" I tried halfheartedly.

"Why do you care?"

"I just want to know more about you."

"I get to listen to everybody's fucking problems while they get completely plastered. And as you know, my 'people skills' aren't the greatest. So it sucks."

"Wow. So, uh, why do you still work there?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Aw, come on. Pleeeeease?" I begged.

"If you really wanted to know, it's because I'm a dumbass that didn't want to go to college. So I stayed in the family business. Happy?"

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. Maybe that was why he was so hostile and grumpy all the time. Stuck with a job he hated, with the worries of strangers dumped on his shoulders every night. It couldn't be easy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."

"S'okay. You woulda found out soon enough," Lovino muttered. "Now let's hear all about your perfect little college educated life."

"I-I wouldn't want to make you feel bad," I replied, staring awkwardly at the floor.

"No, go ahead."

I hesitated, then decided it was okay to talk.

"Well, I own a local tomato company."

"Ha, it figures. That's why you always eat tomatoes?"

"Yeah. It's called Carriedo's Tomatoes. I inherited it from my dad. He passed away a few years ago. I'm not really cut out for business work, though. I find it really boring."

"Huh. Seems like we both hate our jobs. Now let's talk about something happy," sighed Lovi dully.

"Okay, um... What's your favorite movie?"

"The Hangover."

"Seriously?"

"Don't hate, appreciate."

"I can't believe you just said that."

"Whatever. Your favorite movie?"

I racked my brain, trying to come up with something good I had seen recently. Nothing came to mind immediately, so I just told him my favorite childhood movie:

"Lion King."

"Wow, real mature," he scoffed.

"Shut up, it's a classic."

"Whatever."

We were silent for a moment until I began to pester him with more pointless questions like "What's your favorite band?" or "What's your family like?" I learned that he liked Green Day and that he lived with his grandpa and his brother. He described his grandpa as being an "ex- ladies' man, but now he's old and washed up." Apparently his brother Feliciano was really ditsy and ADHD, and loved pasta more than anything.

"Feli's the head chef at Il Cane Pigro. He loves it. Loves the pasta, of course. I think he's a bit obsessed, like how you're obsessed with tomatoes," Lovino explained.

"Hey!" I exclaimed indignantly. "I am not obsessed!" I got an eye roll in reply.

"And your family is...?"

"Gone. My mom left when I was four, and my dad passed away from diabetes recently. I don't have any siblings," I sighed. I tried not to think about my dad too much. He was all I had, and now I didn't even have that anymore.

"Oh." Lovino fidgeted awkwardly for a bit before I broke the silence.

"Hey, look! The line's almost over!" Sure enough, we were almost at the spaceship-shaped carts. A woman was directing people to different sections of the coaster.

"Party of two?" she asked. When I nodded, she directed Lovi and me to the front.

"Front seats! Woohoo!" I cried, pumping my fists in the air. Lovino rolled his eyes, but there was a tiny smile on his lips. We clambered into the cart and strapped ourselves in.

"Are they trying to choke us with these fucking harnesses? It's like a torture device," Lovi grumbled. I held onto the bar in front of me in anticipation, grinning like a fool. A few moments and- we were off!

Loud music blared through the speakers in our cart as we whizzed through the darkness. Lights all around created the effect of being in outer space. As the coaster dipped and swerved, I could make out pictures of asteroids and supernovas. It was pretty awesome. I looked to the side and saw Lovino's face in the dim light. I couldn't see clearly, but I could certainly hear his joyful shouts and screams. I felt like I had done a good job.

The ride was over all too soon, slowing and coming to a stop at the end of a tunnel. I climbed out of the cart and raced to the exit, Lovino trudging behind me. I looked at all the screens displayed before the door and found the one with our picture on it.

"Lovi, look! It's us!" I called eagerly. He sped up a bit to see what I was pointing at, and made a small noise of disgust when he saw the photo.

"You look like an idiot."

"And you look happy for once!" I replied brightly. In the picture, both of us had huge grins plastered on our faces. I whipped out my phone to take a photo of it.

"Hey! I don't want people to see that!" exclaimed Lovino.

"Relax, only I will see it."

I grabbed Lovi by the hand and dragged him out of the door, racing to the next ride. He complained all the way, but I knew he was having the time of his life.

*tiiiiime-SKIP*

By the end of the day, our feet were weary, our bellies were full of junk food and our butts had sat in nearly every roller coaster and kiddie ride in the whole park.

"I'm tired, let's go home," Lovino complained.

"No, you have to stay for the fireworks! That's the best part!" I cried eagerly.

"Ugh. Fine," he muttered reluctantly. I grabbed his hand again and led (dragged) him to Sleeping Beauty's castle. The firework show was just beginning, music playing and small fireworks going off.

"I can't see," Lovino griped.

"Want a piggyback ride?"

"No."

"You know you do."

"Ugh, fine. Stupid tall people."

I grinned and hoisted him onto my back. He grabbed onto my shoulders for dear life, and for a second I thought we would go crashing to the ground. I managed to right myself, however, and we spent the rest of the firework show like that. The sky was beautiful, blackness lit up by every color under the sun. The castle glittered pink with sparklers, flashed green with lasers, and glowed yellow with flames. It was a magnificent effect.

When the show ended, I let Lovino off of my shoulders and nearly collapsed in relief. I didn't realize how much my back was hurting.

"Did you like the show?" I asked, stretching my back and shoulders.

"It was okay."

"Oh come on! That's like the best firework show in the world!"

"Yeah, okay."

I rolled my eyes.

"C'mon, let's get to our cars."

Lovino was silent while I ranted about how cool the show was. He only interrupted me to tell me to shut up, which I did. Eventually. I reached my gray Porsche before Lovino got to his car.

"Bye! That was really fun," I bubbled.

"Yeah. See you later, I guess," he replied. As he turned to leave, I suddenly grabbed his wrist and spun him around.

"Wha-" he began, but was cut short when I planted a kiss on his cheek. Lovino's face turned beet red. He didn't say anything for a moment, and eventually just mumbled "Bye," as he walked away.

As I unlocked my car, I couldn't keep a stupid grin off my face, thinking,

_He didn't slap me. That's a start._

A/N: Woo! Stuff finally happens! Sort of. Okay you guys, if you haven't already, check out americalovesthecockpit. This person writes the craziest, funniest lemons in history. I stayed up till 3 in the morning reading this (when I should've been writing...) Yeah. It's funny. Until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

I didn't hear from Lovi until 3 days later in the afternoon, when he called me. Probably to complain about something.

"I'm sick. I told you those little brats would get me sick."

Yep, I was right.

"What do you want me to do about it?"

"I'm out of DayQuil. Go buy me some," he demanded.

"Lovi, I don't even know where you live," I sighed.

"822 Dahlia Lane. Get your ass over here." A click, and he was gone.

I groaned and rolled off the couch, landing with a thud on my stomach. It was too hot to go anywhere today. The news said today would be 90 degrees or more. I was sweating just thinking about it. Finally, I dragged myself to my feet and trudged out the door, and immediately faced what felt like the inside of an oven. Seriously. I was baking.

I managed to take a few steps out to my car and unlocked it, releasing another wave of boiling hot air. Why am I even doing this, I questioned myself. I like Lovino too much.

Eventually, I got the DayQuil and brought it to Lovi's place. It was a small house, painted a sunny yellow color. I smiled a bit. It seemed too happy a color to be his house. I rang the doorbell, but nobody answered. Did I get the address wrong?

My phone began to buzz in my pocket, so I answered it to find Lovino's voice on the other end.

"Thank god you're here. Just climb in the window, it's unlocked," he suggested.

"Why don't you just open the door?"

"I'm sick."

I groaned, hung up, and went about prying the window open. I hoisted myself through it and crashed on the wood floor behind it.

"I'm up here!" yelled Lovi from down the hall. I followed the sound of his voice and found him sprawled on his bed, looking miserable.

"Aww, poor Lovi. You look so sad and helpless," I teased. I pressed a hand to his forehead and noticed how warm it was. "Jeez, you got quite the fever!"

"Shut up and give me some DayQuil," he sulked. I tossed him the package.

"What the fuck. This is bargain brand. It can't be trusted," Lovino griped.

"It's the same thing!"

"No it's not."

"Well I'm not getting you any more."

"Then I won't take it."

"Fine, suffer some more."

We had an unofficial staring contest before he finally rolled his eyes and tore open the box of pills, picking apart the wrapper and shoving a couple in his mouth.

"Don't swallow it without water!" I cried. Those pills were freaking gigantic! Lovino just rolled his eyes and swallowed hard. His eyes flew wide open in an instant, and he made a weird 'nghck!' noise. I rushed over to the bed and pulled him around so his back was facing me, and Heimliched the crap out of his stomach. The two orange pills shot out of his mouth, falling just short of the opposite wall.

"You idiot! You could've died!" I scolded loudly.

"Wh-whatever," Lovi wheezed, clutching his middle. Even after a near-death experience, he was as stubborn as a mule. I rolled my eyes and made my way to the kitchen to get him some water.

"Where do you think you're going?" he yelled after me.

"Relax, I'm just getting water!" I chuckled at his incurable hard-headedness. When I came back, Lovino was angrily ripping open another packet of pills and trying to swallow them.

"Lovi, stop!" I cried, dropping the water on the floor. He scowled at me and gulped them down. He swallowed a couple more times, and was eventually successful.

"Do you want to die?!" I demanded, grabbing him by the shoulders.

"I can do it. I've done it before. The first time was just bad luck," Lovino insisted. I groaned in defeat.

"That 'bad luck' could kill you!"

"Whatever. I'm fine now, right?"

"That's not the point!"

"Why do you even care?"

"Because I'm your friend... right?"

An unfathomable silence followed my statement.

"Yeah. Yeah, I guess so," Lovi finally admitted. I grinned at this and plopped down on the bed next to him.

"Need me to do anything? I can make you some chicken soup," I offered.

"I don't need you anymore. You can leave."

"But I don't want to!"

"Fine. Make yourself useful and get me a sandwich." I rolled my eyes.

"Sandwiches don't help colds. Chicken soup does," I insisted.

"But I want a sandwich!"

"Nope. I'm making soup. Where do you keep the canned stuff?"

"If you're gonna make me some canned crap then I won't eat it."

I frowned. Did he really expect me to actually COOK some real soup? I was a horrible cook. I was practically raised on Kraft Mac-n-Cheese and Top Ramen.

"Fine, I'll make you a sandwich..."

"That's more like it!"

I trudged to the kitchen, found the bread, peanut butter, and jelly, and slapped it all together in the ugliest sandwich in history. There was sandwich innards dribbling all down the sides, and somehow I managed to squish part of the bread so there was jelly bleeding through. I bit my lip and frowned, but eventually went back to take it to Lovino.

"What is this crap?!" he asked incredulously. "I didn't know it was possible to fuck up a PB&J so badly!"

I scratched the back of my neck, grinning sheepishly. He said nothing for a while, but eventually shoved the sandwich in his mouth. I watched as he chewed it tentatively, his face unfathomable, until-

"Huh. Guess you can't really screw up the taste."

"Whoo!" I exclaimed, pumping my fist in the air. Lovi rolled his eyes as he finished off the sandwich. I plopped back down on the bed, grinning at him.

"What? What do you want?" he demanded.

"I dunno. I just… wanna help you out," I confessed.

"Well if you're gonna stay here, you might as well do something useful. Go mop the kitchen," he ordered.

"What? No! That's not what I meant!" I exclaimed. "I meant, like... I could fluff up your pillows, or watch a movie with you, or, you know... snuggle or something," I mumbled sheepishly. Lovino immediately burst out laughing.

"That's... That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! It's so cliché!" he gasped between giggles. I stood there awkwardly, not really sure what to do with myself.

"So... I'll take that as a no?"

A pause, until- "Ah, what the heck. The movies are in the 2nd drawer down." I grinned and walked over to his dresser, opening the drawer to reveal a plethora of DVDs. I selected his favorite (Get Smart, remember?) and put it in the player.

Lovi smiled a little bit, but immediately wiped it from his face when he saw me looking. I jumped onto the bed next to him, resulting in a disdainful look in my direction. I only grinned more. The movie started, the opening credits accompanied by ABBA. I hadn't seen it in a long time, and was instantly reminded of how cheesy it was. I scooted closer to Lovino and laid my head on his shoulder, focusing on his warmth rather than the screen. I closed my eyes for a bit, and before I knew it I had dozed off.

*tiiiiime-SKIP*

I opened my eyes and was met with the sight of chocolate-colored hair. Lovino and I were settled in a spooning position, my arm draped across his middle. _When did it get there?_ I wondered. The TV had been turned off, and he was still asleep. The sun was low in the sky, almost touching the horizon. I looked at the alarm clock, which read 4:30. I had been asleep for an hour. Lovino stirred, flipping over onto his back. I laid a hand on his forehead. His temperature had gone down. _I should probably leave_, I thought. I crawled out of bed and leaned over him, kissing his forehead gently.

"Bye, Lovi," I whispered before walking out the door.

**A/N: D'awww! How cute! Okay, how did Toni manage to fall asleep during Get Smart?! It's so funny! Sorry for taking so long, I've been lazy… not much of an excuse. Happy New Year's, guys! Until next time!**


End file.
